Wow

I had not realised quite how long it had been since I had last posted. I will update you all.
I hope all my fellow anxiety people are well? :-)

Times

There are few times when I dread things, I don’t mean don’t like them, but I mean actually dread, to the point they cause anxiety, and one of these is on the horizon.
Something which the girls will know only too well. I literally dread this time. My anxiety shoots up and I worry about having to do things, with the potential of heightened anxiety. I think it is the constant fear of unknown, fear of hormonal change, etc. Etc.

I have an appointment tomorrow, in the morning, which I hate. Mornings I feel worst, I like to have eaten a good amount before I go anywhere, and mornings you aren’t able to do this without some constant face stuffing from the second you wake up, which is not ideal! So I am dreading that too, 25 minutes in the car, morning, an appointment which I feel obliged to go to, even though it has never before been particularly constructive, on top of the womanly joys.

I also have to go to my aunties to take the dog for a walk Saturday, and with it being a bank holiday here in the UK possibly more on too of that. There never seems to be a good time to ‘arrange’ with your body to go through this, but I will get through it, it’s just a case of wishing it was more comfortable.

Update

Things have been going better recently agoraphobia wise and I have had more opportunities to do things.
I am now back to being alone a lot, unfortunately, the busy aspects are becoming fewer and I will finally be able to post more on here.

Things are going better as regards anxiety, things are going worse as regards everything else. It is a strained time for me, I feel as though all my relationships are being severed because of my anxiety. I feel like I am blamed for this. I feel fat because my anxiety medication has made me gain weight and I am told I don’t look as attractive anymore. I feel like I can’t do things and that I am a burden. I feel like people are letting this get to them more than they should, it’s me who’s going through it, the rest of their lives are normal, they have no idea.

I hope everyone is well x

The past week

I have managed to do things I have not done in a while, however big or small, I’ve managed to do them.
I’ve been to the garden centre, I’ve been to my flat, I’ve been doing odd bits that I wouldn’t normally be so comfortable with like washing my hair in the shower.
All these things have made me quite tired! But it’s well worth it, I like being busy, I’ve always been a busy girl prior to this!
I’ve been in a fog these past few days though and I’d love to know if anyone can relate! I don’t feel quite ‘with it’, it has set my anxiety off on a slightly high level again but I completely, totally and utterly do not feel myself at all. It’s very uncomfortable! I have been trying to push past it but today it was on a whole higher level and so I made the decision to just sit it out at home today.
I hope everyone is well!

An Explanation.

I have anxiety, more specifically, panic disorder, panic attacks out of the blue, in the most simplest format. A panic attack is a sudden feeling of overwhelming anxiety which provides numerous physical symptoms. I often suffer with palpitations, sweating, hot flushes, shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness, feeling faint and a fear of dying.

My anxiety began to an extreme extent in early July of 2013. I have been thrown around many times since then and throughout this time, I have learnt to rely on one person and one person only. Myself.
I have seen doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, neurologists and ear doctors. Despite all of this I have only gotten anywhere, so to speak, by doing things on my own.

I am currently in a period of my second attempt at exposure. I have agoraphobia which developed from my panic disorder, and this is the best quote I have read to describe it;
“Agoraphobia is a very complex phobia usually manifesting itself as a collection of inter-linked conditions.

For example many agoraphobics also fear being left alone (monophobia), dislike being in any situation where they feel trapped (exhibiting claustrophobia type tendencies) and fear travelling away from their ‘safe’ place, usually the home. Some agoraphobics find they can travel more easily if they have a trusted friend or family member accompanying them, however this can quickly lead to dependency on their carer.

The severity of agoraphobia varies enormously between sufferers from those who are housebound, even room-bound, to those who can travel specific distances within a defined boundary. It is not a fear of open spaces as many people think.”

It’s tough, but as I said, i’m working on it.
I should currently be in the second year of my degree. This year has been on hold whilst I try and get all of this to a manageable level. I was told many empty promises, that I would be back to it this. I believed this at first when I had only missed a couple of weeks, but now I know I can only rely on me! Many of my friends from my first year I no longer hear from, which is sad, but i’m glad this year has made me realise who is there and who isn’t.
Maybe if they knew more, or understood, things would be different, but I may never know this so I try not to dwell on it.

Introducing Me!

I’m Becca.
With this blog, I would like to achieve more awareness of anxiety, for the people who suffer alongside me to have words to read to comfort or to encourage, for the world to have an understanding. Don’t get me wrong, it won’t all be about anxiety, as currently my whole life isn’t anxiety. A large part of it is and it has taken a lot from me, but, as it changes, as I grow, my posts will change to reflect this. Maybe I will start to share this one day but for now this is just for me and you.